There are three very specific things that I have decided I should never wear: crop tops, the color orange, and deep Vs.
Crop tops are classified as anything that dares to show my mid-section. I know Forever 21 classifies them as anything that shows the bottom of your rib cage. Then, if the bottom of your rib cage is covered ever so slightly, you are wearing a normal “shirt.” Right. I just get very uncomfortable exposing the area of myself where all of the French fries I eat go to retire. But that’s just me.
Orange is orange.
Deep Vs are fun, but they are not for the faint-of-heart. That’s because the number of times you’ve almost flashed someone in your lifetime increases by about 300%. If you have smaller assets, this style was made for you. You can get taped up and be on your way, turning heads because you look good and not because you’re committing a crime for indecent exposure. I am on the other end of the spectrum. It’s interesting because my sister and my mother are tiny. They are sticks. I am not a stick, more of a squash or a zucchini, so the deep V has always been avoided due to the fact that I actually have boobs.
I ordered this jumpsuit back in July and it’s been “that thing” in my closet. Ya know, that thing you bought because you want to be able to wear it even though you don’t actually think you can wear it? This is that fickle friend. I tried it on immediately after it arrived in the mail – immediately. My parents were visiting and I said, “Hey I have to go do something in the privacy of my room really quick. I promise it’s not weird. Also I’m going to take this packing tape with me.” I taped and I taped and I taped: the legs of the trousers were too long so I hemmed those with packing tape (don’t tell my mother), and you could say I used the tape to defy other rules of gravity as well. I stood in the mirror and I had two standout thoughts running through my mind: I look amazing and I have absolutely no where to wear this to.
So, off it came and there it sat for seven months until my sorority’s date party came up and I realized I had spent way too much money buying lox and cream cheese bagels to afford another dress. This is the moment in a girl’s life when she sifts through her closet in the hope of finding something she either: A) hasn’t worn; B) has worn but it was long enough ago that no one will remember; or C) bought for a wholesome event but has ways of making it look less wholesome. Or she phones a friend. I went for option A and remembered this jumpsuit. After which, I walked over to my computer and googled “boob tape” on Amazon, because I wasn’t going through that whole packing-tape-situation again.
What I ended up ordering turned out to be a pack of several “devices” we’ll call them, that were intended to lift and hold. You are supposed to only need one per boob. I used three. Using three also did not account for the “gapping” that occurred when I bent my back slightly past 180 degrees. Luckily, the manufacturer realized this too and sent along a variety of double-sided tapes. Bless them.
So, why should you wear that thing you thought you should never wear? See photo above.