How to Get Over It While Only Being Moderately Annoying

I was broken up with on Valentine’s Day and it SUCKED. I thought WHERE IS MY BOOK DEAL? WHY AM I NOT BEING INTERVIEWED FOR A ROM-COM SCREENPLAY?

Someone asked me if it was a “good idea” to write about this. Maybe not but I’m going to, so thank you.

But besides the obviously shitty nature of the break-up, I also had no idea how to bounce back from it. I’d never been broken up with before (I prefer to be on the offensive in those situations) and it’s hard. It’s almost like learning how to ride a bike. You’re completely uncertain of how to balance dealing with your feelings and moving on.

I definitely didn’t handle it perfectly (my friends might think this is an understatement HAHA LOVE YOU GUYS). I called two of my best friends right after it happened and said “I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW,” and they dropped everything and supported me while I was angry crying and throwing his stuff into a pile in my kitchen. And then my roommate gave me a panic-attack pill and I was like oh I’m fine.

My go-to in these situations is to focus on the parts that were my fault because I have a very healthy mindset (please catch the sarcasm in that sentence). I cried and hated myself and tried to be brave. Don't try to be brave. Don’t show up places where your ex might be thinking, COME THE F**K AT ME, because when they do “come the f**k” at you (walk near you, exist near you), you will freak out and want to cry/die. I couldn’t open a bottle at a party one time and my friend was trying to help me. Out of nowhere, my ex appears and hands me a bottle opener. I was trying to play it cool but later I did end up texting him, “DON’T OFFER ME THINGS I DON’T NEED YOU.”

Now people ask “why did you date him?” and I say, "Idk leave me alone." But all-in-all it was good for me. Good things came out of that which I see now. At the time, however, I was thinking more along the lines of, I JUST WASTED A YEAR AND A HALF OF MY LIFE WITH SOMEONE WHO DID NOT TREAT ME WELL HAHAHAHAHA.

The getting over it part is a lot easier with another person, but it’s definitely a false-easiness. I started hanging out with someone else about a month afterwards. During that period of time my mindset was, “Yeah look at me! I moved on first! Suck my dick!” Then that ended poorly with a "cya" text a few weeks later from New Guy signed off with, “You’re really cool, I mean it.” WHATTTTT?!?!? I’m COOL? Oh my god! My whole existence has been validated! I can’t believe this! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

I want to backtrack to the “did not treat me well” rant. That’s not entirely true. The main problem is that I allowed myself to be treated that way. Now when it comes to relationships, my mantra is, “F**k you, I’m great.” So that’s not entirely his fault. My attitude towards the situation now is “YOU’RE THE WORST BUT GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR LIFE.”

Apparently one time he complained about how I was “so into him.” Sorry? I am no longer super into you so don’t worry! I also really want to make a sexual joke right here, but I won’t because my parents dutifully read these (thanks, Mom and Dad!).

Anyways, time to how-to. Buckle up!

Cry. Whine. Complain. Feel sorry for yourself. Do it. It’s good for you. You’re allowed to.

Next, buy yourself something. It doesn’t matter what it is. I bought literally every product on Glossier’s website, but you do you. I also bought a personalized choker necklace. #Coping

A short list of additional suggestions:

  • Cry in your shower – this is a great way to release tears and have them immediately washed off.
  • Dye your hair.
  • When you two exchange things, call him a coward! It’s so fun!
  • Cry on your way home from exchanging things and then get Chipotle – this is a great way to make yourself realize there are more important things in life.
  • Wear a short skirt and high heels in an area where you will be seen by the masses.
  • Delete him on all social media platforms. Why would you want to see that? Don’t be a fool!
  • Hate him. Trust me, it’s a good idea.

At some point, however, you need to admit that you were probably a little ridiculous throughout this whole process. I’m sure someone will read that and think, “That’s anti-feminist! Women aren’t ridiculous! Stop supporting the patriarchy!” to which I say: Chill. That’s not what I’m saying. I think that owning your shit is way more powerful than denying it. I’m not trying to deny that it was COMPLETELY ridiculous of me to pointedly inform him that we would NOT be texting ever again and that I did NOT need an apology and that I wanted him to leave me alone, followed by an approximately six-inch long text message eight minutes later. I did feel really good about the text though, which is why I don’t mind owning it. Basically my whole point is: Being self-aware gives you power.

I’m sure some people are wondering why I am writing about this now if I’m “really over it.” I am really over it, which is why I’m writing about it.

Also this is my website so I do whatever I want.